Grief is a beast

Grief is a beast

that doesn't have a heart.

It pushes and pulls you

and tears you apart.

the sorrow, the numbness

the constant heartache

that demon will find you

and leave you awake

It slips in and takes you

it gets in your bones

It creeps in your ear

then it wanders and roams

I'm lost in it's darkness

and can't find my way

If I stay here to long

I will surely decay

secrets

I think I have a secret,

at least it has felt that way.

So much happening on the inside,

I can't keep it all at bay.

A clash of joy and sorrow,

grief that sneaks up too,

a new outlook for tomorrow

and a love that I never knew

Nothing is forever,

that I sure do know

For now our world is different

and I will bask in the afterglow

What a blessing this all is ....

 I sit around and find that I know nothing. 

This life is so full of everything, in every form and illusion

waiting to be discovered and transformed,

broken down and torn apart,

rearranged from what came before. 

Life is fleeting

faster and faster as the world keeps turning

but here we are and there we go 

moment by moment

day by day

we pick and choose how it happens 

Death is not something that magically appears

but the ultimate end to the joys of living.

We can not escape it,

nor outrun it and pretend it all doesn't matter

I ponder, looking out my window, the point of it all

just to feel the overwhelming sense 

that there really isn't a point but a purpose

To love and be loved

to get real with all the nitty gritty bits 

and the pretty bits too

to feel everything, even the hard, tough, ugly stuff

to be thankful that you're still around to engage in the world 

to help make it a better place for those who can't themselves

and to just feel anything at all

is a blessing 

My tiny

I promise you I'm trying and I'll always put you first

It isn't always easy but we can't go in reverse

I told your dad I'd love you 

as if you were my own

our bond will just grow stronger

it'll never be outgrown

The world is what we make it,

 I hope you always do your best

 to spread love and kindness 

while remembering we are truly blessed 

To be upon this planet

in this life, this time, this space

The beauty that surrounds us 

we should hold fast and embrace

We all have something special

 that makes us each unique 

our mission is to find it 

and help others that also seek

I promise you I'm trying and I'll love you all my days

Becoming

I've got ideas that might go nowhere, 

but they do exist the same.

Thoughts that could stir some trouble, 

but I can't get them out of my brain.

Memories that comfortably haunt,

some that leave me feeling numb.

I've got dreams as big as the sky,

What would you do if you could become?  

I've got a notion things are distorted 

in fact, I know some things aren't even real.

We make up constitutions of beliefs and customs

 but we don't include everyone in on that deal.

This is not my idea of a dream,

but a long nights stay in someone's else sorrow

Hope can not save us from our nature of being beasts,

we need thoughtful actions to make real change, 

at the very very least. 

....

A special friend is priceless

After all these years we finally made it. We planned a vacation to Hawaii and took it. There was sunshine, many many beaches, relaxing, and no real big plans on the agenda for the week.

We've been friends for many years now, I think fifteen at the end of summer, but we've never really traveled together. I mean we've had overnights at each other's houses back in the day. Those were usually filled with alcohol and trouble though and it was always more about the breakfast the next day to defeat the mighty hangover. I moved away for a few years trying to find myself after my nasty divorce and we drifted apart. Those things happen in life but we never lost the love between us and once I returned home it was like I had never left. She let me move in when I needed a place to stay, 3 months pregnant, no questions asked. She was there for me when I lied to her about a boy. She helped me get a second job when I wasn't making enough money with one. She has been there for me through much grief and heartache too, always sending strength my way. I've made dumb choices, bad decisions, and hurt plenty of people in my past, including her but she never gave up. Even when she knew I was wrong and didn't agree she was still my friend. She spoke her mind but she didn't cut me out or drop my as a friend. Over the years we have gotten much closer. I think relationships are meant to evolve and change over time. You both end up teaching the other something useful that you didn't see or wasn't paying attention too. Its nice to be surrounded by like minded people but the ones that really make you grow and stretch are the ones that are slightly differ but love you all the same. 

We've had a few little weekend getaways since the kids were born but that was well, with her kids and usually for a special event or holiday, not just to get out of town or go on vacation. To be fair her kids are little, two and four years old, and travel with tiny people can be difficult. I'm looking forward to traveling with both of them in the future but so very glad we got to sneak away to paradise for a whole week of catching up, hanging out, and relaxing with each other. 

Thankful

Today I am so very thankful! 

Life is such a wild ride

filled with ups and downs and sometimes sideways

paths, choices, intersections  

Never knowing where it will take me 

but feeling like it is the only way

I move in the direction of 

happiness, love, joy  

I am learning

on so many levels

I am learning to be my best self

It's a not easy, hard to tackle process

but ...

I am surrounded by love

by beautiful, talented, creative, smart, 

kind, loving, funny, passionate, 

amazing women

and

I'm lucky to call them all friends.

 Diverse, bold, radical, intense women

All striving to make this place better

You know, the one we call home.

The community we build amongst the waves of living 

Home

I think I love you. 

The way the light cascades off your curves.

The ever so slow realization that you are here once again,

maybe altered but always present. 

The reflection of myself I see in you.

So deep & dark while remaining fluid & transparent.

Willing for more but pressing for nothing 

The way the trees dance in your breath

Subtle yet strong while grounded in the heavens.

Proving we should all be more flexible 

The cycles of seasons, the movement of life

the diversity that prevails.

Your everyday existence acknowledges mine. 

I'm thankful for the chances you provide 

the blessings you bestow,

and the ability to know that

I truly do love you

Arrifana Beach, Portugal 

Trekking

You know what it's like...

The cars, endlessly dropping off and picking up

The people, rushing around trying to get somewhere, anywhere

The security lines, boundlessly meandering through time and space but seemingly going nowhere

Finally,  

you get the call, it's your turn, you made it, and the process just starts all over again... 

The queue, flowing down the path ever so slowly

The rows, inviting an adventure to cram into the tiny space provided

The waiting, reading the latest edition of whatever's freshest till it happens

The sounds get louder as the air gets colder and the lights go darker. 

I always tend to hold my breath during those first few moments. 

The point it leaves the ground I feel free, excited for my journey and what's ahead.

 I'm finally getting to a place of calm; where I'm just trying to absorb all the planning and organizing, the researching and packing, the love and energy that has gone into making trips like this happen. I long for the days of travel. The ones that remind you of a purpose, the ones that push you to your limit, the ones that 

Adventure time ... 

We fly into London on Sunday but technically its already Monday once we get there. Time is such a tricky thing, especially when you travel around. The first few days are always the hardest to adjust. I feel like I'm walking a dream until it sets in that I'm actually somewhere else entirely. We booked a great little Airbnb for our first night abroad near Kings Crossing. It is close to the train station, which will help on Tuesday when we catch out train to Edinburgh, Scotland for a week filled with family, celebration, and New Years! 

I love trains. What a great invention in its time.   
The old ones that have been around for decades, maybe centuries with their rickety parts and tiny bathrooms. You can literally see between the cars. The new ones are mostly shiny with quite spaces and bathrooms that have automated flushes. I've had great luck on trains with no real mishaps to speak of. They are a great way to travel and are usually cheaper than airfare and more reliable. They do book up and occasionally weather can interfere like the time to tracks where flooded in Thailand. 

We'll see the countryside on our way to Edinburgh. Who knows what the time will hold once we get there but I'm looking forward to exploring castles, seeing the Scotland coast, and enjoying time with family we don't see often enough. 

Then we are off the London for another week of adventuring. We will see old friends, explore new places, and eat lots of Indian food. It's everywhere in London and the best I've ever eaten since I've not yet been to India. We'll spend days looking through old museums and hope to find a few antique shops. The Old World really has the best stuff and its from everywhere with such history and depth. 

Travel does something special to us.  It takes us out of your comfort zone while reminding us that comfort is really a feeling expressed from the inside out. 

Happy Travels 

My heart is so full ...

My heart is so full. 

Full of ache for the world and those that suffer

The ones I notice and can't help, 

the ones I see hurting and can't reach, 

the ones just out of sight I've not yet approached.

Full of memories long past 

that sting like a cold breeze on your face in the early morning. 

They take the breath away as your transported back to that moment,

drowning in the torment and gasping for the heavens.

Full of questions

How is all this pain possible? 

Why are we not helping each other?

Aren't we all in this together? 

As I sit and notice, as I sit and feel

I'm also reminded of the other side 

My heart is so full 

Full of love for the inhabitants of the world

The ones that find laughter in the sorrow, 

the ones that see joy in whatever they are given,

and the ones that keep going when all hope seems lost.

Full of gratitude for the memories 

That heal your heart like a hug when you're on the verge of tears

Reminding you of the little joys, the little triumphs, 

all the things that really make life worth living. 

We don't yet have all the answers and we may never 

but that doesn't mean we shouldn't question.

We should try harder to release the pain and bring out the joy

in ourselves, in others, in our world. 

Finally a bit about Spain and some other stuff too ...

So we've been back now for just over a month now. Silly how times get a way from you as I was planning on writing this much sooner.  Oh well, things always happen and maybe my delay was for the best. My partner, Pit, and I had three weeks exploring parts of Spain and bits of Portugal.

Spain, a place I've always wanted to visit, was everything I expected and more. It wrapped me up in it's colorful art, it's pulsating cities and it's depth of history. Just thinking about the wine, the tapas, and the espresso makes me salivate like Pavlov's dog. I've been dreaming of Iberíco Jamón since. The old churches, some built as early as the 11th century, standing tall, adorned with beautifully intricate stained glass were still being used as houses of worship. The inner streets, not built for cars but pedestrians, lined with shops and restaurants were filled with people outside enjoying themselves. The streets still manage to get an occasional taxi come through but they bared the scars of tight turns and hard corners. Every place we visited was different but similar. Barcelona in the northeast felt the most touristy to me but that probably had something to do with the fact that we stayed off the Rambla, close to the Raval neighborhood. Lots of markets and outdoor spaces to explore, as well as museums and churches. Antoni Gaudí's art was a highlight for me in Barcelona. His architectural achievements throughout his life brighten my soul. Seville in the southwest was probably my favorite city. It was old, the weather was hot and it reminded me of our time spent in Morocco a few years ago. I loved the orange trees and their fragrance, the horse carriages that would take you around the park for a small fee, and the tapas bars that lines the open, outdoor squares. Seville has a rich history filled with religious controversy between Christians and Muslims and it was evident in the architecture, but I guess all of Spain does. Madrid right in the middle and the capitol of Spain was surprisingly wonderful. We stayed in a small apartment through Airbnb and fell in love with the neighborhood. We had little time to explore as our trip was coming to an end at this point in the journey but we were able to visit a few museums and find the best Mexican taqueria.

I should back up a bit because we got to spend a week in Portugal with friends before ending our trip in Madrid. It was a small surfer town called Aljezur. It was beautiful, the coast of Portugal. We had moments filled with the laughter, and dancing, of friends, lots of great home cooked food from local markets and quite periods of reflection. I've never felt more alive than while traveling. It was great to share a part of this journey with friends, new and old. If you don't have travel buddies, I highly recommend it. Travel, of any kind, is life changing but it can also kick your butt even with the love of your life by your side. With friends, the mood changes and the small nuances somehow turn into an adventure, usually including alcohol. Not to say you should always travel with friends and some you probably shouldn't travel with but it is a special kind of friend when you can partake in a journey together. We spent many moments on Cappuccino beach, that's what we're calling it, watching the waves, drinking coffee, and contemplating life. We explored our surroundings and enjoyed each others company. The week went by too fast but the good parts of life always do. We savored the moments and said our gratefuls around the table at dinner for there is always something to be thankful for.

So now, over a month later, we are getting back to our comforts and routines of living. Wonderful things like sleeping in your own bed and having your own pillows never feels as good as when I'm just getting home. The ability to have WiFi, everywhere and kind of always be connected is either pretty amazing or kinda scary. Who needs constant connection to the world wide web and what could we missing out on right in front of us? Owning a car and having the mobility it brings is a such an expensive luxury but I wish we walked more in this country as a mode of travel. Most people drive everywhere even when the opportunity to walk is present which effects the world and our health. I would sometimes jump in my car to go to the post office which is just a few blocks away more out of habit than necessity. Pit and I do live a ways from town but once there I make a point to park and walk. What would happen if we all were more conscious of how we drove our cars and thought about the effect walking more could have on our overall health. I'm grateful for it all; the moments of stress and discomfort, the moments that bring considerable joy and love, the moments that I'd rather forget and the ones I hope to hold onto for always...