Smoke and mirrors

The haze of smoke and mirrors
Where nothing seems just right
there's stains of life everywhere
and I'm stuck in such a fright 


I'm not sure where I'm going
or somedays where I've been
I can't remember, I don't understand
so for now I just listen


I wander around,
astray on this ground,
in a beautiful world,
feeling lost but profound.

I'm lost in thought this morning 

as I sit and think of you

the way you touched my body

left it feeling so renewed 

We shared some happy moments 

you made me feel alive 

I'm not sure what I did for you 

to leave me this denied

I felt so held and seen 

I thought we both agreed 

that this was only briefly real

A place we both felt free 

You were so kind and genuine 

you seemed to be legit  

we knew where this was headed 

but you turned into a hypocrite 

Motherhood

Mother, a word that holds so much meaning and depth for people. The spectrum is wide is different for everyone. Even my definition has changed as I have throughout the years.

The word use to make me shudder. I would have a visceral reaction upon being called it, a word I felt no right to. I would correct people and remind them not all women had to be mothers. 

You see, I had a late term miscarriage right before moving to Olympia. My son was 5 months alive in my belly, I heard his heart beat, I felt him move, he had a name. The situation didn’t start from ideal but I was all in anyways. This life is nothing short of miraculous and at the same time, ruthless and cruel. The story gets harder, darker but let’s just say, I came out alive and still with a sliver of hope in my heart. 

I was lucky too. I then found beautiful love with a man who adored me, still does, and didn’t, still doesn’t want kids of his own. Love transforms you, it breaths life back into you, it shows you a different way, it grounds you to yourself and allows you to come into being. That’s what we had. 

Everything changes when cancer arrives though. It becomes the only thing that matters. Where there was many problems, only one remains. To stay alive. It came on fast and strong and killed my little brother in four months. Zoey was only two. The story takes many twist and turns but the next two years were so difficult for me, a dark time in my inner world. 

We were reconnected when Zoey was just over four years old. I had no idea what it was going to look like. It never felt like a choice at all really, but a natural expression of my love for her. Motherhood was a gift I was finally able to receive. It changed everything about the way I exist in the world. It rearranged my time, my energy, the intent of this life. 

It is the hardest job; one that pushes the limits of self, that expands my definition of love, that breaks me open many time over only to sew me up more complete.  It takes all of my energy some days while others feel effortless. It gave purpose to my life.

Mother, still reminds me of my past pain and sorrow, but it more so harbors such joy and a depth of love I’m so grateful to know.

Beginnings

Things start and things end,

they cycle through and begin again.

There isn't a time or a right place to be,

it's all connected to something greater than we.

I'm living and loving and striving my best, 

for a life that is mine above all the rest.

Room for delight and all the pleasure of things, 

isn't that the point of being such beings.

A part of me...

Please take away my longing 

in the abyss of the dark night 

Please take away my hunger 

and give me that sweet delight 

I have all these cravings

and need to get them out 

I’m drowning with desire

and yearn to play about 

I want to calm my fire

I need to feel some touch

I dream of what you taste like

I think about it too much 

Exploring all these feelings

that are so deep inside 

I feel so lost and helpless 

I hate to be denied

What’s the point of feeling 

if you don’t get to feel it all

What’s the point of loving 

if it keeps you tight in a ball 

I must let out my darkness 

I want its warm embrace 

I’m aching for its comfort 

I know I must make space … 

Grief is a beast

Grief is a beast

that doesn't have a heart.

It pushes and pulls you

and tears you apart.

the sorrow, the numbness

the constant heartache

that demon will find you

and leave you awake

It slips in and takes you

it gets in your bones

It creeps in your ear

then it wanders and roams

I'm lost in it's darkness

and can't find my way

If I stay here to long

I will surely decay

secrets

I think I have a secret,

at least it has felt that way.

So much happening on the inside,

I can't keep it all at bay.

A clash of joy and sorrow,

grief that sneaks up too,

a new outlook for tomorrow

and a love that I never knew

Nothing is forever,

that I sure do know

For now our world is different

and I will bask in the afterglow

What a blessing this all is ....

 I sit around and find that I know nothing. 

This life is so full of everything, in every form and illusion

waiting to be discovered and transformed,

broken down and torn apart,

rearranged from what came before. 

Life is fleeting

faster and faster as the world keeps turning

but here we are and there we go 

moment by moment

day by day

we pick and choose how it happens 

Death is not something that magically appears

but the ultimate end to the joys of living.

We can not escape it,

nor outrun it and pretend it all doesn't matter

I ponder, looking out my window, the point of it all

just to feel the overwhelming sense 

that there really isn't a point but a purpose

To love and be loved

to get real with all the nitty gritty bits 

and the pretty bits too

to feel everything, even the hard, tough, ugly stuff

to be thankful that you're still around to engage in the world 

to help make it a better place for those who can't themselves

and to just feel anything at all

is a blessing 

My tiny

I promise you I'm trying and I'll always put you first

It isn't always easy but we can't go in reverse

I told your dad I'd love you 

as if you were my own

our bond will just grow stronger

it'll never be outgrown

The world is what we make it,

 I hope you always do your best

 to spread love and kindness 

while remembering we are truly blessed 

To be upon this planet

in this life, this time, this space

The beauty that surrounds us 

we should hold fast and embrace

We all have something special

 that makes us each unique 

our mission is to find it 

and help others that also seek

I promise you I'm trying and I'll love you all my days

Becoming

I've got ideas that might go nowhere, 

but they do exist the same.

Thoughts that could stir some trouble, 

but I can't get them out of my brain.

Memories that comfortably haunt,

some that leave me feeling numb.

I've got dreams as big as the sky,

What would you do if you could become?  

I've got a notion things are distorted 

in fact, I know some things aren't even real.

We make up constitutions of beliefs and customs

 but we don't include everyone in on that deal.

This is not my idea of a dream,

but a long nights stay in someone's else sorrow

Hope can not save us from our nature of being beasts,

we need thoughtful actions to make real change, 

at the very very least. 

....

A special friend is priceless

After all these years we finally made it. We planned a vacation to Hawaii and took it. There was sunshine, many many beaches, relaxing, and no real big plans on the agenda for the week.

We've been friends for many years now, I think fifteen at the end of summer, but we've never really traveled together. I mean we've had overnights at each other's houses back in the day. Those were usually filled with alcohol and trouble though and it was always more about the breakfast the next day to defeat the mighty hangover. I moved away for a few years trying to find myself after my nasty divorce and we drifted apart. Those things happen in life but we never lost the love between us and once I returned home it was like I had never left. She let me move in when I needed a place to stay, 3 months pregnant, no questions asked. She was there for me when I lied to her about a boy. She helped me get a second job when I wasn't making enough money with one. She has been there for me through much grief and heartache too, always sending strength my way. I've made dumb choices, bad decisions, and hurt plenty of people in my past, including her but she never gave up. Even when she knew I was wrong and didn't agree she was still my friend. She spoke her mind but she didn't cut me out or drop my as a friend. Over the years we have gotten much closer. I think relationships are meant to evolve and change over time. You both end up teaching the other something useful that you didn't see or wasn't paying attention too. Its nice to be surrounded by like minded people but the ones that really make you grow and stretch are the ones that are slightly differ but love you all the same. 

We've had a few little weekend getaways since the kids were born but that was well, with her kids and usually for a special event or holiday, not just to get out of town or go on vacation. To be fair her kids are little, two and four years old, and travel with tiny people can be difficult. I'm looking forward to traveling with both of them in the future but so very glad we got to sneak away to paradise for a whole week of catching up, hanging out, and relaxing with each other. 

Thankful

Today I am so very thankful! 

Life is such a wild ride

filled with ups and downs and sometimes sideways

paths, choices, intersections  

Never knowing where it will take me 

but feeling like it is the only way

I move in the direction of 

happiness, love, joy  

I am learning

on so many levels

I am learning to be my best self

It's a not easy, hard to tackle process

but ...

I am surrounded by love

by beautiful, talented, creative, smart, 

kind, loving, funny, passionate, 

amazing women

and

I'm lucky to call them all friends.

 Diverse, bold, radical, intense women

All striving to make this place better

You know, the one we call home.

The community we build amongst the waves of living