Mother, a word that holds so much meaning and depth for people. The spectrum is wide is different for everyone. Even my definition has changed as I have throughout the years.
The word use to make me shudder. I would have a visceral reaction upon being called it, a word I felt no right to. I would correct people and remind them not all women had to be mothers.
You see, I had a late term miscarriage right before moving to Olympia. My son was 5 months alive in my belly, I heard his heart beat, I felt him move, he had a name. The situation didn’t start from ideal but I was all in anyways. This life is nothing short of miraculous and at the same time, ruthless and cruel. The story gets harder, darker but let’s just say, I came out alive and still with a sliver of hope in my heart.
I was lucky too. I then found beautiful love with a man who adored me, still does, and didn’t, still doesn’t want kids of his own. Love transforms you, it breaths life back into you, it shows you a different way, it grounds you to yourself and allows you to come into being. That’s what we had.
Everything changes when cancer arrives though. It becomes the only thing that matters. Where there was many problems, only one remains. To stay alive. It came on fast and strong and killed my little brother in four months. Zoey was only two. The story takes many twist and turns but the next two years were so difficult for me, a dark time in my inner world.
We were reconnected when Zoey was just over four years old. I had no idea what it was going to look like. It never felt like a choice at all really, but a natural expression of my love for her. Motherhood was a gift I was finally able to receive. It changed everything about the way I exist in the world. It rearranged my time, my energy, the intent of this life.
It is the hardest job; one that pushes the limits of self, that expands my definition of love, that breaks me open many time over only to sew me up more complete. It takes all of my energy some days while others feel effortless. It gave purpose to my life.
Mother, still reminds me of my past pain and sorrow, but it more so harbors such joy and a depth of love I’m so grateful to know.
